Some Thoughts on Chivalry

We have often heard it said that “Chivalry is dead.” Numerous examples have been offered to prove this idea.

Firstly, what is ‘chivalry’? Chivalry was a code of conduct developed for knights in the middle ages. It mostly included rules of conduct during warfare, but it also restricted the knights from doing dastardly things to civilians and especially to women and children.

The Chivalrous Knight Protects, Serves, And Reveres Women

Here is the oath that is attributed to King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table: "Never do outrage nor murder, and always flee treason; also, by no means to be cruel, but to give mercy unto him that asketh mercy, upon pain of forfeiture of their worship and lordship of King Arthur forevermore; and always to do ladies, damsels, and gentlewomen succor, upon pain of death. Also, that no man do battle in a wrongful quarrel for no law, nor for the world's goods."

They swore their allegiance and sacred honor to living as powerful forces for good in the world, and protectors of the weak. These sound like pretty good guidelines for masculine living to me. They fall comfortably into my “Rule #1” to live as a manly man and I think that most of our ladies would also approve.

The Modern Male Has Much To Learn From His Predecessors

In common usage the definition has changed over time and today appears to stand solely for male conduct around ladies. Some of the rules we consider chivalrous today would include: Gentlemen should hold doors for ladies. Gentlemen should rise when a lady enters a room. Gentlemen should pull out a ladies chair. Gentlemen should never allow another man to strike or belittle a lady. Gentlemen should always give up their seat if a lady is standing. Etc.

The foundation of chivalry has always one of male strength and ability. That strength is a God given gift to us that we may do good work with it. It is not to be abused. Men who abuse their strength are generally to be considered failures as men. Those who would lie, steal, cheat, bully, and abuse women are truly only hideous imitations of true masculinity. Consider the pimp for a minute. He gives off every indication to the outside world of his masculinity, and yet while he is able to abuse the women who “work” for him, his own masculinity becomes so outlandish as to become a parody of what a real man is. Instead of being strong enough to defend the weak, he is so weak inside that he must abuse the weak in order to make himself appear strong.

So since we have the God given gift of strength, we need to use it to protect women, children, and the elderly. It is our role as men.

So why then, is chivalry considered to be “dead”? It seems like a pretty straight forward set of guidelines that any man should aspire to. Be a force for good and not evil. Protect the weak. Be respectful. Remain humble. Show reverence for the ladies. By going out of our ways to serve ladies instead of demanding the reverse we show that our power is being used properly. We publicly show that we will protect and respect women instead of ignoring them or demanding that they serve us.

I think much of it comes from a societal push back and a series of misunderstandings. Again I will state that the foundation of chivalry has always one of male strength and ability. Actions we would consider to be chivalrous, like say opening a car door for a lady, have been considered by some to actually be abusive or belittling! I have always enjoyed holding doors for ladies. Some women just ignore you and stroll on by as if it were their natural right to be waited upon (which basically it is…). 

Most women (of all ages I have found) will smile, or nod, or say thank you. Doing little things for that majority of women is something that I really enjoy, and I find that making a lady feel respected and happy is more than compensation for my efforts. To these ladies and I do find that it is most of them, and I do mean from ages four through ninety-four, I think that they enjoy the attention and courtesy. They enjoy the aspect of ‘royalty’ that is involved as do I. Women have always seemed to me to be a class of natural royalty on the Earth that lives amongst us. They know it instinctively and so do we. So for me to act in a basically chivalrous manner to ladies is both a natural and a fulfilling experience for both of us. This is another area where like dressing properly, it is easy for us to outshine other men and the ladies today really do (for the most part) enjoy and appreciate it.

There have been a couple of times in my life when I have been doing my basic routine of holding the door as a lady follows me through it or opening a car door for someone when I got a negative reaction. The woman in question has generally snapped at me and asked some pointed question such as “Do you think that I am incapable of opening my own door?” My reply to such a retort is always the same “Forgive me. No insult was intended.” Then I shake it off and do the same thing for the next lady.

Not All Women Understand Our Motivation To Serve And Revere Them

It seems obvious to me that there is some misunderstanding here because there is nothing at all in my heart that would attempt to belittle a woman, and in fact I enjoy this mild bit of subservience for its own sake. That being the exact opposite of what I am being accused of.

I think that as much as anything else, reactions like this have frightened many men away from doing the basic chivalrous acts that have defined proper male female relations for so long. I must repeat that in my lifetime I have only been accosted for such behavior a couple of times. So gentlemen, don’t worry about it! You won’t encounter anywhere near as much of it as you may fear.

Why DO some women react so angrily?

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) the women who react in such a manner are most likely women who suffer from self esteem problems. They are constantly out to prove their ability in this ‘male dominated world” and see any act of patronage such as holding a door as an insult to their capabilities.

Does it ever actually enter my mind that I am holding a door for a healthy young woman because she is incapable of doing so herself? Of course not. Little girls might not be big enough to open it for themselves and great-great-grand mothers may be too frail but the same goes for little boys and old men. I would hold the door for an older man who seemed frail or a little boy who could not get through on his own. The young and the old may be weak and so we should do things to help them. But we also see women get up and go to work for forty hours a week just like men do and they can certainly open and close doors, or pull out their own chairs. The average woman today is capable of almost anything.

So while little acts of service like this CAN be done because we consider the other people too weak or frail to do it for themselves, there is the second motivation which is to show our respect. Real men were put on Earth to serve and not to be served.The act of holding a door is meant not to insult. It is meant more as an act of reverence for her and her entire sex, than a patronizing act intended to belittle her or enforce my ‘male  privilege’ upon her.

Do Presidents, or Kings or Queens open their own doors when there are others available to do so? Is this because they are incapable? Is it because doormen consider these people inferior? No. It is done as a sign of respect for who they are. We as men should do the same. We should show our respect and downright reverence for the ladies we encounter. Most of them enjoy being reminded of their proper station in life as someone to be respected and even revered.

Just Do It! Be A Man!

So be a gentleman. Open doors. Stand when a lady enters a room. Pull out chairs and wait upon the ladies. Be chivalrous and do not fear angry replies. If they happen apologize and move on. Since you know your motive and she does not, do not return anger with anger. She may just be having a bad day and misinterpreted your motives. Simply respect her wish that you not do this for her and continue to do it for the multitude of women who would love to have you do it for them.