Some Thoughts on Chivalry

We have often heard it said that “Chivalry is dead.” Numerous examples have been offered to prove this idea.

Firstly, what is ‘chivalry’? Chivalry was a code of conduct developed for knights in the middle ages. It mostly included rules of conduct during warfare, but it also restricted the knights from doing dastardly things to civilians and especially to women and children.

The Chivalrous Knight Protects, Serves, And Reveres Women

Here is the oath that is attributed to King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table: "Never do outrage nor murder, and always flee treason; also, by no means to be cruel, but to give mercy unto him that asketh mercy, upon pain of forfeiture of their worship and lordship of King Arthur forevermore; and always to do ladies, damsels, and gentlewomen succor, upon pain of death. Also, that no man do battle in a wrongful quarrel for no law, nor for the world's goods."

They swore their allegiance and sacred honor to living as powerful forces for good in the world, and protectors of the weak. These sound like pretty good guidelines for masculine living to me. They fall comfortably into my “Rule #1” to live as a manly man and I think that most of our ladies would also approve.

The Modern Male Has Much To Learn From His Predecessors

In common usage the definition has changed over time and today appears to stand solely for male conduct around ladies. Some of the rules we consider chivalrous today would include: Gentlemen should hold doors for ladies. Gentlemen should rise when a lady enters a room. Gentlemen should pull out a ladies chair. Gentlemen should never allow another man to strike or belittle a lady. Gentlemen should always give up their seat if a lady is standing. Etc.

The foundation of chivalry has always one of male strength and ability. That strength is a God given gift to us that we may do good work with it. It is not to be abused. Men who abuse their strength are generally to be considered failures as men. Those who would lie, steal, cheat, bully, and abuse women are truly only hideous imitations of true masculinity. Consider the pimp for a minute. He gives off every indication to the outside world of his masculinity, and yet while he is able to abuse the women who “work” for him, his own masculinity becomes so outlandish as to become a parody of what a real man is. Instead of being strong enough to defend the weak, he is so weak inside that he must abuse the weak in order to make himself appear strong.

So since we have the God given gift of strength, we need to use it to protect women, children, and the elderly. It is our role as men.

So why then, is chivalry considered to be “dead”? It seems like a pretty straight forward set of guidelines that any man should aspire to. Be a force for good and not evil. Protect the weak. Be respectful. Remain humble. Show reverence for the ladies. By going out of our ways to serve ladies instead of demanding the reverse we show that our power is being used properly. We publicly show that we will protect and respect women instead of ignoring them or demanding that they serve us.

I think much of it comes from a societal push back and a series of misunderstandings. Again I will state that the foundation of chivalry has always one of male strength and ability. Actions we would consider to be chivalrous, like say opening a car door for a lady, have been considered by some to actually be abusive or belittling! I have always enjoyed holding doors for ladies. Some women just ignore you and stroll on by as if it were their natural right to be waited upon (which basically it is…). 

Most women (of all ages I have found) will smile, or nod, or say thank you. Doing little things for that majority of women is something that I really enjoy, and I find that making a lady feel respected and happy is more than compensation for my efforts. To these ladies and I do find that it is most of them, and I do mean from ages four through ninety-four, I think that they enjoy the attention and courtesy. They enjoy the aspect of ‘royalty’ that is involved as do I. Women have always seemed to me to be a class of natural royalty on the Earth that lives amongst us. They know it instinctively and so do we. So for me to act in a basically chivalrous manner to ladies is both a natural and a fulfilling experience for both of us. This is another area where like dressing properly, it is easy for us to outshine other men and the ladies today really do (for the most part) enjoy and appreciate it.

There have been a couple of times in my life when I have been doing my basic routine of holding the door as a lady follows me through it or opening a car door for someone when I got a negative reaction. The woman in question has generally snapped at me and asked some pointed question such as “Do you think that I am incapable of opening my own door?” My reply to such a retort is always the same “Forgive me. No insult was intended.” Then I shake it off and do the same thing for the next lady.

Not All Women Understand Our Motivation To Serve And Revere Them

It seems obvious to me that there is some misunderstanding here because there is nothing at all in my heart that would attempt to belittle a woman, and in fact I enjoy this mild bit of subservience for its own sake. That being the exact opposite of what I am being accused of.

I think that as much as anything else, reactions like this have frightened many men away from doing the basic chivalrous acts that have defined proper male female relations for so long. I must repeat that in my lifetime I have only been accosted for such behavior a couple of times. So gentlemen, don’t worry about it! You won’t encounter anywhere near as much of it as you may fear.

Why DO some women react so angrily?

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) the women who react in such a manner are most likely women who suffer from self esteem problems. They are constantly out to prove their ability in this ‘male dominated world” and see any act of patronage such as holding a door as an insult to their capabilities.

Does it ever actually enter my mind that I am holding a door for a healthy young woman because she is incapable of doing so herself? Of course not. Little girls might not be big enough to open it for themselves and great-great-grand mothers may be too frail but the same goes for little boys and old men. I would hold the door for an older man who seemed frail or a little boy who could not get through on his own. The young and the old may be weak and so we should do things to help them. But we also see women get up and go to work for forty hours a week just like men do and they can certainly open and close doors, or pull out their own chairs. The average woman today is capable of almost anything.

So while little acts of service like this CAN be done because we consider the other people too weak or frail to do it for themselves, there is the second motivation which is to show our respect. Real men were put on Earth to serve and not to be served.The act of holding a door is meant not to insult. It is meant more as an act of reverence for her and her entire sex, than a patronizing act intended to belittle her or enforce my ‘male  privilege’ upon her.

Do Presidents, or Kings or Queens open their own doors when there are others available to do so? Is this because they are incapable? Is it because doormen consider these people inferior? No. It is done as a sign of respect for who they are. We as men should do the same. We should show our respect and downright reverence for the ladies we encounter. Most of them enjoy being reminded of their proper station in life as someone to be respected and even revered.

Just Do It! Be A Man!

So be a gentleman. Open doors. Stand when a lady enters a room. Pull out chairs and wait upon the ladies. Be chivalrous and do not fear angry replies. If they happen apologize and move on. Since you know your motive and she does not, do not return anger with anger. She may just be having a bad day and misinterpreted your motives. Simply respect her wish that you not do this for her and continue to do it for the multitude of women who would love to have you do it for them.

Ladies Always Come First

In previous entries I have discussed some issues related to what I call Rule #1 “Be a Manly Man:” and Rule #2 “Become your Ladies Domestic Servant”. If you have been able to do most of the things in Rules 1 and 2 you are well on your way to being ruled by a happy Queen. But let us now turn our attention to the third and final of my “Big Rules” to serve and please your Lady. This is the most personal and intimate of the three rules and it involves “Romancing your Lady to make her feel special”.

A truly Surrendered hubby is always available for romantic times whenever his Empress desires them. Why shouldn’t he be? This to me is one of the greatest joys in life! To serve her and please her and make her feel important and content with you is indeed a great honor! Since people are all individuals, all that I can do in this entry is relate how things have been for me and how the relationships in my life have gone. “Your mileage may vary.”

The first thing that I must state is that women in general do not think the way men do. That should be obvious, but if I state it out front it may help to focus on how WE as men must adapt to that fact if we are looking for success. Now let me state something that some of you may find surprising: “Women like sex!” They just don’t always like it the way men like it.

 

Women More Often Than Men, Think About Romance

 

Men on average think about sex almost all of the time! I’ve even seen studies that indicate that men think about sex every 20 seconds! It is just a constant with us! Often those thoughts are purely physical and the sight of an attractive woman (or just a subconscious thought about one) can trigger this response. And men when given the opportunity will often react readily with very little forethought.

Men More Often Then Women, Think About Sex

Women on the other hand are often ‘slower to boil’ and usually need to be thinking about it for some time before it happens. The thoughts are not always as physical as mens (Although they can be), and usually involve more of an emotional / romantic element than ours do.

So the first difference would be frequency. Since as I said in an earlier entry that most men masturbate at least daily, it follows that most men would be ready for sex at least daily as well (if they learned to control themselves!). Women (and I am speaking in general terms here) would like sex a little less frequently. This difference can lead to a certain amount of friction within the average couple. He simply wants it more often than she does. If he insists or pressures her or makes her feel guilty about not keeping him as satisfied as he would like to be, then she will eventually react quite negatively to the whole experience. No one likes to feel pressured. Much like being expected or ‘forced’ to do all of the housework, women do not like to feel ‘forced’ into being anyone’s sex tool.

Stop Pressuring Me!

Therefore, it is important that we men (if we want to please our ladies) need to control ourselves here. Do not pressure her for sex! You will only turn her off! But there is a flip side to this as well. Since most of the men who are reading this would probably categorize themselves as more submissive than aggressive with women, there will probably not be much of a problem of having you grab her, push her down and have your way with her as there might be with other men. But that does not mean that there is not a flip side to this which is just as bad.

Women do not want a passive aggressive mate who is constantly whining or begging for sex either. In fact most women would probably rather have the other extreme. It’s just not manly, and you can make a damned pest out of yourself by trying to make her feel guilty that your needs are not being met.

Well Mister Whiney Pants, I am here to inform you that ‘Your” need is to please “Her”! Neither of you may understand that, but it is (or it certainly always has been for me) the crux of the issue. When men truly begin to sublimate their own desires to the genuine desires of their mate, a wonderful transformation in your lives will begin. Like I talked about last time when dealing with housework, if she feels pressured or unappreciated or more likely both, she will be frustrated and unhappy. She may keep it all inside for a long time. But if she does, she will probably lash out at you eventually. This can be direct or it can happen in other areas, but nobody wants to feel pressured all the time to do things that are not their idea. It is not ‘her duty’ to please you!

Give the Woman Some Space!

So transform your thinking. Begin to understand what a privilege it is to please her! If you can do that and TRULY make that a new part of your personality and your outlook, she will begin to relax around you and truly begin to enjoy playing with you more than ever.

For me personally, my sex life basically took off when I began to truly focus all my energies on her. She has a certain ‘pride of ownership’ in how I look and behave outside the house. She feels secure that she is married to a manly man who will love her, provide for her, defend her and be someone that looks desirable enough for her to want to show him off. She feels relaxed and happy at home now because the house is generally ‘in order’ and although she often pitches in, she is not ‘required’ to do all the cooking and cleaning any longer. She doesn’t really consider me to be ‘her maid’, although she does laugh sometimes at my efforts to cook and clean. “You look so cute dusting the shelves like my little butler…” (It made me blush a little when she said that, but I was duly compensated later that day for what slight embarrassment I endured as well as for my efforts.) So she feels more relaxed, more confident, and more in control.

In my voluntary chastity I am almost always 100% ‘ready’. I certainly feel much more appreciative and ‘romantic’ now than ever before and I know that she notices. I let her know in subtle ways that if she wants me I will be there for her without either demanding or whining. If she lets me know that I am going to ‘get lucky’ then I follow through. If not it’s OK. I think she really loves it! By focusing on her all the time, she gets little gifts and thoughtful little reminders that I live to please her and this has made her feel much more romantic.

At first she would have her fun on me and then collapse exhausted. Later she would tell me that she felt guilty about having everything be about her. She felt guilty in just taking her pleasure when we were together. I let her know that that was what made me happiest and that my ‘pleasure’ meant very little compared to pleasing her. It took her time but she really grew to not only accept but really enjoy that role. She was to be pleased and served when she wanted it. Now she simply LOVES it!

There is no female frustration any more. She takes, I give. It’s as simple as that! And yet I “get” more than I ever have before simply because the pie to divide from is so much bigger now! Oh she encourages me to ‘enjoy myself’ from time to time, but it’s always either after she is finished with me OR she is simply so sated that she isn’t interested for herself at that time and thinks it’s time to “give me a little treat”. Either way it is more than enough for me! It is far more than I have ever had before! Oh and you guys out there who want a more sexually aggressive woman, this is the road to that goal! My Queen, when she wants me has become a real Tigress now! She even growls at me some times!

Be All That You Can Be!

One time she told me about an email that she sent to one of her girl friends. She told her that I cooked, and cleaned house and that our sex life had just gone “Zoom!” I had taken responsibility to make our married life in her words “The way that God had intended it.” I will post later on my thoughts about “Marriage the way God had intended it.” But for now I will simply say that she was quite satisfied with me and I felt very blessed. One time she was so happy about our new arrangement that she actually told me that she felt sorry for women from long ago and wondered if they ever had as much fun as she was having now. I told her that I was sure they had their moments and the stereotypes could not have been all true, but just in case they were, then I felt obliged to try to even things up. She liked that idea…

Who Doesn't Live To See This Look?

One of the things that often gets in the way of a happy personal relationship is life itself. Jobs, Children, Pets, Housework, etc… It becomes difficult when you are constantly interrupted by other things that do not allow you time to just be alone and relax. That is why in our house we commit ourselves to ‘get away weekends’ at least once every three months. We just travel somewhere and do something that we will both enjoy and stay away from home. They are often GREAT weekends and we both return feeling totally renewed and in love.

They can take planning, and well you’re the man! Talk with her see what she might like to do and where she would want to go then make the arrangements. If you get tickets for some event, a play, a concert, a museum, a festival, and set up the hotel reservations, (or plane tickets and rent a car), and just take care of things the way she likes it you’ll have a great time away. This is a time to just relax and be with each other. Especially if you have kids and can find someone to take them off your hands for a day or two this is terrific. Kids REALLY interrupt the happiness quotient at times. Oh I know that in the long run children make a life worth living, but at times they also drive people crazy.

Encourage Her And Build Her Confidence And Assertiveness.

 

So if you truly want to be her loving and obedient “Stepford Husband”, “Trophy Husband”, or “Surrendered Husband” then follow all three of my big three rules. Rule #1 – Be a man! Look good and carry yourself with dignity, strength, and gentility. Rule #2 Be her Domestic Servant! Clean her house and make her dinner! Do all the little chores that she is tired of doing. Take ownership of these tasks. And Rule #3 – “Be her loyal and eager male nymphomaniac in bed.” Always be ready to serve and please without being pushy, whiny, or demanding. This is the ultimate in personal service and once you have pleased her let her know how thankful you are for having been able to love her in this way and what an awesome woman that she is! Appreciate this marvelous gift!

Oh, And Always Remember Your Place....

Housework – Learning to Love it!

In my last entry: “Put on those Aprons and get back to your housework boys!” I began talking about what I call “Rule #2” or “Becoming your Woman’s Domestic Servant”. In order to truly serve your woman, you must do the things that she does not enjoy doing for her. Men were put on this Earth to serve and please Women and the number one thing that women do not generally enjoy doing is cleaning the house!

Our Women Truly Are Our Reasons To Be

This means that good men, men with happy wives that is, (and is that not the very definition of what a good man is?) are men who have taken ownership of the housework instead of expecting the Lady of their life to do it. As the level of dirt and clutter starts to rise, I can always tell that my Queen’s blood pressure is rising with it. If it gets high enough, she will suddenly start to clean herself. She will not say anything but I can tell that I have screwed up and that I need to IMMEDIATELY jump in and start doing some housework! I don’t interfere with what she is doing; I simply go clean somewhere else and continue to do so until there is a semblance of order throughout the house (or I pass out!). Hopefully she will see my efforts and after she has finished her immediate task she will stop cleaning while I continue.

The 21st Century Will Be One Of Male Service To the Female

In order to avoid this situation I try to stay organized so that the house remains fairly clean all of  the time. I do a load of laundry on this night, vacuum, on that night, clean up the kitchen every night, etc. This gives a show of both cleanliness and progress toward cleanliness. But this is the minimum level of being a Surrendered hubby. And I always (and I suppose many of you do as well) want to go far beyond the minimum in order to provide peace, contentment, and joy for the Queen of the manor.

THIS look is what I LIVE for!!!!

There are daily and weekly chores that always need doing. Sweeping, vacuuming, washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the bathroom, straightening the living room, dusting, laundry, etc. These things are constant, and relieving the Queen of these chores fills me with contentment. But this is not enough to keep a clean house! These chores which are constantly in front of us are really just maintenance chores. They must be done constantly! Many men are doing these chores now (at least part of them and this is nothing new). What needs to be added to this list in order to keep a neat and pleasant home, are the deep cleaning chores.

Deep cleaning means to literally take hours of time to organize and throw out useless clutter, scrub down every surface, and clean and detail all the little nooks and crannies of a room so that it feels brand new when you are done! Every room in your house should be deep cleaned at least twice a year. This past Saturday between running different errands to help out our daughter, I spent 3 or 4 hours doing all the weekly maintenance cleaning throughout the house and it looked ‘pretty good’ by the time I was done. I got tired by mid afternoon at the end of that process and it would have been tough for me to dive into another task at that time. Besides I was going to be taking the Queen out for dinner and a show on Saturday night so it was time to quit, rest up, clean up, and dress up when I was done.

A Happy Hubby Staying Out Of Trouble By Being Useful

On Sunday afternoon I continued my weekend cleaning chores by diving into deep cleaning the bathroom. It had become the number one biggest problem in terms of cleanliness in the house and as spring approaches I thought that I would spend my afternoon scrubbing it down and making it shiny, sanitary, and inviting. I had only done a surface cleaning in there on Saturday so I got down to scrubbing the sink and counter tops, washing the mirror, scrubbing out the toilet, AND getting down on my hands and knees and cleaning down around the base of it. It had gotten nasty down there. 

I cleaned up the floor around it where the mop would not go as well. Then I took on the big job for the day, which was scrubbing the shower out. We have glass doors to the shower and the tracks get kind of gross if not cleaned regularly. So I removed the doors and scrubbed the tops and bottoms, then I got a scrub brush and some comet cleanser and scrubbed the shower floor tiles on my hands and knees. Finally I washed down the walls to remove the old soap stains and did the glass itself. This process took quite a bit of time and A LOT of rinsing to get it all right but when I was done it looked 100% better.

Ahhh.... Cleanliness!

The Queen came in just as I was finishing and said: “What are you doing?” I told her that it had gotten dirty and it was past time for me to clean this shower out. She didn’t complain, but she did give a little self satisfied smile to me that let me know that she was well pleased with my efforts. 

Wow, I LIVE for that look! I have been told by a woman whose opinion I highly regard, that a man who does both the maintenance cleaning AND the deep cleaning without having to be told, would rank very high on the scale of women's dream hubbies. Ever since hearing that and seeing the results in my own Queen's eyes and behavior I have worked hard to live up to that reputation. What could make any man feel more fulfilled than to think that his woman (and/or her friends) thinks of him as close to the perfect man? I can tell you that having a clean and comfortable house is a wonderful thing, but if you have that AND a satisfied wife well you are living pretty close to paradise!

Your Service Has Been Found Pleasing To The Queen

So is it a lot of work? Yes.
Does it take a lot of time? Yes.

Is it worth it? Well I would answer that question by asking how important is your Ladies happiness to you? For me, it is definitely ‘worth it’ and I only wish that I could do more.

What are some lessons that I have learned along the way of keeping house for the Queen? 

1)      Men are not naturals at housework at first. I had to learn how to do things one step at a time. I did what I could and I spent some time online learning how to do it better.

Here are a few links to help you do it better and more efficiently:

http://www.home-ec101.com/

http://orgjunkie.com/

http://domesticservitude.blogspot.com/

One of the great things on the Domestic Servitude website is the list of Spring and Fall deep cleaning articles:

http://domesticservitude.blogspot.com/2012/03/spring-cleaning.html

Do everything on these lists and your house will sparkle and your lady will smile!

2)      Doing chores is not the end in and of itself.

This was a bit harder to learn because as a guy I am focused on tasks. I worked hard to have a clean home and good food on the table, but at some point I had lost my rational for doing this and I had become an annoying task driven Felix Unger! I was being a jerk about it. I got right to my chores and seemed annoyed if anyone, even the Queen Herself interrupted me!

This was NOT the way to do it.

I was supposed to be doing this for HER, but I had forgotten her in the equation and I needed to change my attitude.

After a while I learned to be more flexible and happier in my work. I learned to cook and clean with a smile on my face and an open heart, and an open time schedule.

If her ladyship wanted to talk to me, I would put the vacuum away and I listened to her. 

If the work didn’t all get done, it was OK because it was HER schedule and HER pleasure that I was serving. As soon as she had told me about her day at work or whatever other thing she wanted to tell me about (and I had dutifully listened with interest) I quietly returned to my chores.

One of the wonderful side effects of learning to be happier and more flexible was that her ‘interruptions’ sometimes were of a more ‘personal’ nature. I have not really discussed “Rule #3” yet but pleasing her is the motto and I have found that pleasing her is the most pleasant thing on Earth for me. So always remember to be flexible!

3)      Do your chores with a smile! Just like I talked about in earlier posts, smiling will lift your spirits, lift the spirits of those around you, and make you more attractive and fun to be around.

Now Act As if you Like It!

I love this cartoon! In a lighthearted way it encapsulates all of this philosophy. He is doing the housework. He is sacrificing his time, his energy, and any macho delusion he (or society) might have  that he is the one to be served and obeyed in order to be serving and pleasing her. But she wants more. She wants him to smile and enjoy sacrificing and serving her. She is even treating him like her own personal sex object! What man wouldn't want that?

Haven’t women been told to smile and ‘enjoy’ serving men for thousands of years? Well boys, the apron is on the other fanny now! So smile, be cute, do your housework, and live to please your Woman! And frankly, if you do it with a smile and behave as if you love it, she will feel more loved than ever. Oh she will laugh at times at how silly or cute you are being for her, but she will also enjoy the freedom, the power, and the adoration she now feels from you and she will look at you as a lot 'sexier'  too...

Until next time, Carry yourself well, dress well, and find ways to do your chores eagerly with a smile to please your Woman!